Even when I lose it. (Dear boyfriend)

Dear boyfriend,

I don’t know how you do it.

The Sunday before Christmas, I realized I was out of my anxiety medication. So, Monday, I emailed my doctor and another doctor in case mine was out of town. I didn’t get a response.  I wasn’t in panic mode yet. I figured someone would get back to me, even though it was Christmas Eve. No one did. So that night, I took a sleeping pill and some melatonin, drank some chamomile tea and was able to get some sleep. Then it was Christmas. I had enough distractions to keep my mind off the pending doom. There were gifts to be opened, a fancy meal to prepare and family coming over. I’d be fine. And I was fine, until after dinner when I started thinking about how desperately I just wanted to be alone and how I knew that there was no way I was going to be able to sleep without that little pill for one more night. And I was right. I laid awake all-night long. I moved to the couch a few times. I used calming oils, took extra melatonin, a bubble bath and finally at 3 am, I took one more over the counter sleeping pill. That was a huge mistake because when I drove to work at 8:30 that morning, I felt as if I was driving drunk. At work, I felt like everyone could tell there was something wrong with me. I was shaking and couldn’t get my words out correctly. I sat in my chair and contemplated leaving and walking right into a hospital. My anxiety was so out of control, I wanted to be institutionalized.  I wanted to be away from it all. I couldn’t stand myself. My heart was about to explode. I truly thought I was about to die. I called my doctor’s office and the pharmacy a few more times. This was pure desperation. I was so angry at my doctor for having other patients and thought “this is why people kill themselves!!” And I hated myself for it. I hated myself for having those thoughts and I hated that a pill is what I needed to feel “normal”.

I left work at 12:30 and went straight home, still feeling dizzy and not knowing if it was from those sleeping pills or if my anxiety was just so bad it was making the world spin. My boyfriend was home when I got there. I crawled into his lap like a scared little child. I was still shaking and trembling. I tried explaining the issues between the doctor’s office and the pharmacy but couldn’t make sense. I was just flustered, and my mind wasn’t right. All that mattered was feeling better. I just needed to feel better. I asked myself how anyone could love someone like me. Here I am, acting all crazy, with no explanation other than “I’m just fucking nuts right now”. But he didn’t leave. So, I wanted to say “thank you” to him.

Thank you for never telling me to “just go take a pill” when you see that I’m becoming nervous or anxious. Thank you for never telling me that I’m just crazy. Thank you for reminding me that you are going to love me no matter what. Thank you for knowing when to hold me and when to just let me go. Thank you for never being offended when I tell you to leave me alone. Thank you for constant reassurance that you are going nowhere. To know that I can let go, cry, sob, shake, collapse, fall apart and lose myself and you will hold me through it, means more than I can ever explain. Thank you for understanding that I want to be strong and independent. I don’t want to feel like a little child. I don’t want to be needy. You know that, and so you always manage to build me back up. You believe in me. You know how much I hate showing you the dark sides of me, but you make me comfortable enough to be vulnerable. You never get upset with me when I am harsh or push you away. You don’t take it personal when I’m being completely irrational, because you know it will pass. And when it does pass, I know that you will give me a high five and say, “you handled that like a champ!” because you always do. Thank you for never stifling me. Thank you for never making me feel small. Thank you for never telling me that I’m just over reacting. Thank you for asking me what I need when you can see that I’m struggling. Thank you for picking up the slack when I can’t seem to get out of bed. Thank you for being wise enough to know that we are all broken, just in different ways. Thank you for never judging me or using my “dark moments” against me. Thank you for giving me the space I need to breathe. Thank you for always giving me your love and compassion. Thank you for always being kind. Simply put, thank you for just being who you are and for loving all of who I am.

 

 

 

 

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