Fragile and fierce.

Oh 2018, you did a number on me. I cried a lot. My heart ached so much at times that I didn’t know how I was going to recover. I said quite a few “goodbyes” and once or twice, felt as though I was completely unraveling. There was confusion, doubt, despair, desperation, anxiety and fear. But one thing that didn’t show up was regret. And you know what else? I ain’t even mad at ya! I would not change one damn thing.

Yes, there was sadness. I let go of some people and some things that were just not healthy for me anymore. It was hard. It really sucked! But I kept going, stepping right over my comfort zone, because I chose to listen to myself. I chose to listen to my heart, my gut and my entire body. We know when something isn’t right. I wasn’t sleeping, I was barely eating and the voice inside my head that kept telling me I deserved better just wouldn’t shut up. I knew it would be painful, but I also knew that I would look back someday and be so proud of myself for taking that step towards inner peace. 2018, you taught me to listen to myself. And to not look back.

You gave me a voice. Other women speaking out and sharing their truths inspired me to share mine. That was so scary. But once I did it, once I put myself out there, I discovered my purpose. Before long, it was as if that question of “why am I even here?” just disappeared. I knew the answer. It was loud and clear. And my story started helping people and I realized I was not alone in any of this. Instead of dwelling on the trauma of the past, now I wonder how I can use it as a tool to rebuild myself. I want to find the message in all of it, so I can share it with everyone. 2018, you showed me that my voice matters. And that there can be light found even in the darkest of places.

I found a courage I didn’t even know I had. I started to recognize toxic behavior and decided it was time to take steps to remove it from my life. I’ve unfollowed and unfriended. Somehow, 2018, you helped me to find my backbone. And when I would feel weak, I discovered that by writing about it, my words could give me back my strength. Like I could speak and write my desires into existence. I’m capable of that. So, along with this new-found courage, I guess I also found faith. Faith in myself!

Just yesterday, I was looking back at my life from 12 months ago. Everything is so different now. Sure, I’ve lost some relationships and there have been many tears shed. But what I’ve gained is so much bigger than that. What I’ve gained is self-love, self-assurance, a bit of self-confidence and self-awareness. I am healthier now, mentally, physically and emotionally and I no longer feel selfish about my self-preservation. That’s a whole lot of SELF. I used to be so incapable of this. I was a people-pleaser to the point of being miserable myself. 2018, you gave me a new way of thinking. I can’t do any real good in the world if I’m broken into a million pieces. So I did what I had to do, to make me whole and to be sure that I was being my best me. 

I had my share of meltdowns throughout the year. But I don’t need to hide them anymore. And with each one, I shed a layer of the old me and emerged a bit more secure. Before burning that old layer, I would dig deep into it, rummaging for answers. I started to look for the lesson in all of the inner chaos. I found balance. I am both strong and vulnerable. I am both cautious and fearless. I have my shit together and I’m a mess. I am fragile and I am fierce.

Oh 2018, you really did a number on me. You came in like a lion and left like a bolder, wiser, more determined lion. I know I still have so much more work to do and that is where 2019 comes in. It will be the year of taking all that I have learned about myself and putting it to good use. It will be the year of following through with all of the changes and ideas I have brewing in my head. Last year was about letting go. This new year will be about building. I have so much to work with and I’m going to make the best of all of it. 2018, peace out. 2019, bring it.