I just need to keep walking away from all of it. The pain, in which there is no end in sight. The betrayal. The constant obsessing over images I’ve conjured up in my mind about what was going on behind closed doors. The agony. The patheticness of blaming myself and asking what I should have done differently. If I just keep walking, it will create distance between myself and the memories. The memories, they are too much to bear. The songs that trigger a reaction. The love of my life, gone. He is not who I thought he was. If I keep walking, pretty soon I won’t be able to see him. He will be a speck in the road. If I walk long enough, hopefully there will be nothing left of me.
If I just keep walking.
And I don’t know who I’m going to talk to about the random numbers I see that remind me of him.. Or who will laugh with my stories of clumsiness. Or who will get me.
And I pray to all that is holy that there is mercy on me, so that no one shares with me the gossip they’ve heard, or the rumors or the events that actually took place. I don’t want to know. I can’t know and I pray that no one gives me that one more detail that will send me over the edge even deeper into this pit of raw despair.
I beg for mercy that the obsessive thoughts disappear. Why wasn’t I enough? What did I do wrong? Why didn’t he love me like he said he did? I must have deserved this.
No. No, I did not deserve this. Because all I did was love him with everything I had. I did not betray him. I wanted to make him happy. My ride or die. Us, always. I would have never done this. I did not do this.
I fall apart again, hoping no one notices I’ve been gone so long. I desperately want him to reach out to me because he should know that that is what I need at this moment. He knows me so well, better than anyone. Can’t he feel it? That I need him, right now. Something, anything. We’re connected.
The sadness is making room for rage now. It is ugly, this rage. And it scares me. I imagine she made him feel like the rockstar he wishes he could be. He loves a good ego trip. That high meant more to him than I did.
I need to know, what was he thinking? What was he thinking? I obsess over this. But I know that there isn’t an explanation that can save us. Because the more important issue here is what he didn’t think about. Me. That is all that matters. He did not think of me. And that tells me all that I need to know.
So I will cry some more. I will rage. I will self medicate. I’ll become numb. I will feel sorry for myself. I will lash out. I will collapse. I’ll lay there for a while. I’ll self-destruct and become someone unrecognizable. I will hate myself.
This must be rock bottom.
The lies and denials that I wanted so badly to believe, are long gone. I know the truth. And in a weird way, the truth might have set me free. Because when I didn’t really know, my heart was still held together with stitches, not fully breaking open. But now, it is split in half. It is wide open. And now I pray that the light gets in. Because the darkness has overcome me. So I keep walking until the old me, the dark me is gone. And I pray for the light.
9 thoughts on “Ramblings of my broken heart.”
My heart goes out to you. The pain is sometimes unbearable. It took me two years to get over being dumped cruelly and then ghosted.
I am so sorry you have this betrayal and pain.
Thank you Jeff. I’m sorry you went through it too. 😦
I have been through almost exactly what you’ve gone through and all I can say is that one day you will wake up and it’ll finally be over. The thought of him actually loving you for you and the want of him, it’ll be gone. But the real test will come when you’ve moved on and he sees that and he will try to find a way back into your mind; back into your life and that’s the real test. It recently happened to me and I can say I was proud to deny him the opportunity back into my life and didn’t allow him to ruin, yet again, what I have built for myself. It will get better but it took me YEARS to finally be able to let go of the idea of us. Stay strong but allow yourself to be upset and falter and cry and scream. You are strong and beautiful; don’t let him take the light from you!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so much! I needed to hear that. And I’m so glad you were able to move on. You give me hope. ❤
Oh my gosh, Laura. This is beautiful and raw and just agonizing to read. I pray you find peace, my friend.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you love!!!
It takes time – a full two years for me to get over a really bad breakup just out of the blue and then ghosted. Try not to get too upset if you can. There is actually something called a Broken Heart Syndrome. I had it and it showed up with chest pain and on the cardio tests – intense emotional or physical stress can cause rapid and effect the heart muscle. The good news is that a year later the heart has returned to normal. My thoughts are with you Laura.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so much Jeff. Every day is a little better. ❤
A friend posted this link: Many helpful recordings for stress, loss, confidence and many others: https://healthy.kaiserpermanente.org/health-wellness/podcasts?fbclid=IwAR1XDw0bH1Ps4nHiezwUBXk0-WIIZ45ItjNnU-qdnMnd9CfxmuDGVEI96q8