A letter to my sons.

My boys,

There will come a day when you meet someone that you want to spend your life with. Or maybe you won’t be absolutely sure of it yet, but you’ll see the potential. When that time comes, there are a few things that are very important for you to know and do.

1)
Help her get through it, whatever “it” may be. Maybe she’s having a day filled with insecurity and self-doubt. Maybe she’s feeling fearful about the future or of being hurt. Be patient with her and love her through it. You can validate her feelings, even though you may not absolutely agree with where she’s coming from. She needs to be heard. Even if you don’t understand her logic, let her know that you will help her overcome this. More often than not, we women just want validation. We want to know that we are not crazy for feeling the way that we feel. Our reasons for our insecurity might seem completely outrageous, but you know what? We’ll get over it a lot quicker with your love and patience and support. Understand that she has a past that has caused deep wounds. She may have been cheated on or hurt terribly and maybe there are certain triggers that take her back to that dark place.

I once dated someone who would get angry and defensive every time I would bring up my concerns about our relationship. I would ask questions. I wasn’t asking much, but I desperately needed some reassurance. And instead,
I was scolded for feeling the way I felt. Not only did that make me feel like I did something terribly wrong, but it made me feel crazy and even more insecure. I thought “if he’s getting so upset, I must be right about these dark thoughts.”

Be patient with her. Tell her that together, you will get through this and that you will ease her fears. We are human after all. Not robots. There’s a reason behind our feelings. At some point, something happened that triggered that self-doubt. Help her overcome it with love and kindness and patience.

2)
Never stop dating her. Even when you’re engaged, married or together for 20 years, don’t stop courting her. Take her on romantic dinners and tell her she’s beautiful. If you make her feel like the most important person in the world, she will never lack that feeling of being special. She needs to feel special. If she doesn’t, there’s a chance she will look for that feeling elsewhere. It’s an awful thing to think about, but it happens. Just like you, if we’re not fulfilled, we will take other avenues to find what we’re looking for. And that could mean anything from taking a class to going out on the town. But she will be doing that without you, if you drop the ball.

3)
Be a man. Take care of things. She is not your mother. She is your partner. Treat her as your equal. Help her out with the things you can. Don’t ever forget that chivalry is NOT dead. Yes, women are empowered now more than ever. But a lot can be said for a man who still opens doors for the one they love. Which takes me to number 4.

4)
Be a “gentleman”. Don’t walk ahead of her. Hold her hand. Carry the groceries. Kiss her forehead. Show the world how much she means to you. Be proud to have her on your arm and let her know just how proud you are to be with her. Offer her a back
rub after a long day at work. Give her a night off once in a while to just soak in the bath tub and read or do some yoga, while you pick up the dishes or make the meal. Nothing is sexier than a man who is in love and isn’t afraid to show it.

5)
Let her know that she is safe. Keep her safe. Don’t ever give her a reason to doubt you. Protect her and her heart always. She needs to feel content in her soul. She needs to know that you will be there and that you won’t let her be harmed in
any way. As independent as she is, she still needs to feel that she would be taken care of when she needs to be. She needs comfort and peace of mind. Be her light. Be her happy place. Be her biggest fan. Be her protector and be the constant in her life she needs.

We’re really not as high maintenance as we seem (well, most of us). If we feel loved, safe, treasured and validated, we will be happy. And you know that they say, “a happy woman makes a happy home”, or something like that.