Anxiety, Relationships, Uncategorized

Vulnerability (Part 2)

I’m almost ashamed to admit this, but I want to be taken care of. Isn’t that awful? How embarrassing! But true! I am a very independent woman. I always have been. I moved out at 17, had my own apartment, got pregnant at 20 and spent the next 20 years taking care of people. I did it all by myself too! I’ve always maintained a full time job, I raised my boys, and I got shit done.

I tend to gravitate towards people who need to be cared for. I have this “mom” gene that wants to just nurture every soul I come across. If you’re broken, I will try to fix you. My part in a relationship usually consists of making every meal, doing all the chores, making the phone calls, paying the bills and again, getting shit done. I’m proud of that! I’ve never owed anyone money. I have always paid my own bills and made everything work, not without struggle, but I did it.

You go girl! Right? Women are so empowered now and I love that! Times have definitely changed since I was a little girl. The roles look much different now. And I’m proud of that. I’m proud of how far women have come and I am so incredibly moved by the #metoo movement and how women are just DONE putting up with so much garbage. It is an incredible time to be a woman. I feel more at home with who I am and confident in my womanhood than I ever have.

But I’m also tired! I’m tired of doing it all. I’m at an age now where I need to put down my guard and accept some help. It’s hard to do! I’m so determined to do everything on my own. I love the pride that comes with the independence. I work, I raise children and I own my home. But dammit, I want some help! And I need to be ok with admitting that.

If I’m having plumbing issues, I will get a second job for a while to pay for the repairs. When my son started college, I started working nights (along with my full time day job) to pay for it. When a few feet of heavy snow fell last month, I was out there breaking my back to shovel that evilness. I don’t want sympathy and I’m not trying to brag. I’m just saying, it’s time to admit that help would be great.

It takes vulnerability. It takes accepting that maybe, once in a while, I should ask for some help. Maybe the reason I struggle with anxiety is because I am so damn determined to do it all by myself, and I take on too much and end up feeling like a failure the moment one more thing goes wrong. My brain is reeling constantly. I have to do this, I have to do that, I have this huge bill to pay. It’s never ending.

So what’s wrong with wanting a partner to share the burdens with? What’s so bad about saying “you know what, I can totally do this on my own, I will make it work, but having someone with me would really lessen the burden”? I want someone in my corner. I have been the cheerleader and the care giver for so long. I don’t even know how well I would accept help. But I’m definitely willing to try it out! Because I’m tired.

Before you get all, “that girl wants a sugar daddy” let me assure you that is not the case. If you saw 90% of my ex-boyfriends, you would know that I’m not about money. What I want is emotional support. I want a cheerleader for a change. I want to come home to a meal once in a while. I want to say “hey, there’s sewage in the basement, can you make a few phone calls?” I want to go to bed at night with a calm mind, knowing that things are taken care of, and if they’re not, it’s ok because they will be!

Being an independent woman is awesome. But ladies, don’t feel shame if you want some help once in a while. Don’t feel like you are not a strong woman if once in a while, you just want someone to share the load with. Don’t beat yourself up! Be VULNERABLE. Accept yourself even when you need a little help. It’s ok to want to feel taken care of. We take care of so many things every single day.

I’m finally at a point in my life where I can say that I am so proud of all the things that I have accomplished on my own, but I also want some help. It doesn’t make me any less of an independent woman. It doesn’t make me less of any kind of woman. I’m still Wonder Woman! But hey, Batman gets Robin and he’s still pretty damn cool.


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