Back to me.
“Be the girl you blog about”. That’s what did it. I write so often about overcoming trauma, healing my heart and being a strong and empowered woman. One of my most popular articles was about becoming a bad ass. I’ve been talking the talk. I’ve been loving how some people may perceive me. Reading my work, I sound pretty tough. I sound quite bad ass. But as much as it pains me to admit it, I was not walking the walk. I was not that strong girl. I think I was writing about who I WANTED to be.
I wasn’t listening to myself. I was fearing change. I was terrified of the unknown and the uncomfortable. So I just floated on through life, not making waves. I settled into a life not made for me. I became someone else. I was so lost. Everyone else’s happiness was more important than mine, so I morphed into who I thought I should be. Every day losing a little bit more of myself. Anxiety surrounded me more often than not. Panic attacks became normal. A cloud of tension followed me wherever I went. Because I knew the truth. I knew that I was lying to myself.
Finally, a friend said to me, “be the girl you blog about” and of course I started to cry. I’ve been lying! I’m not as strong as the girl I pretend to be in my writing! Settling for being mistreated and disrespected surely can’t be bad ass. Always saying “yes” when I mean “no” is not courageous (or attractive for that matter). People pleaser here! Again.
So I went back and read all of my posts. And I remember writing them. I remember feeling like a rock star. When I wrote it, I was feeling bad ass. And so I shared that. Then I realized that feelings are so fleeting. They can be manipulative and tell you lies that you feel like you have to believe because it’s YOU after all! There’s a reason that we feel what we feel. So if I’m not allowed to let that moment of bad ass-ness define me, then I can’t let this moment of weakness and uncertainty define me either.
I’m evolving. I might take 3 steps forward and 2 steps back. I will have days when I can conquer anything and do it with grace. And I will have days when I just don’t care enough to say or do or be what I want. But underneath it all, she’s there. I’m there. I am strong and I am brave and I am the girl that I blog about. Even if I lose sight of that from time to time. I am here and I am real and I am woman and I’m allowed to feel weak and I am allowed to feel powerful. It’s a feeling. It is not me. I’m on my way back to me.