I have always believed that the universe gives us what we need, when we need it. We might not understand the reasoning or the timing, but there are no mistakes. God’s timing and His answers to our prayers are always perfect, as painful or as wonderful as they may be. That gives me a lot of comfort when faced with challenging times. When my depression is at its peak or my anxiety is sky rocketing, instead of drowning in my sorrows, I can search for the lesson that the universe is trying to teach me.
I recently watched a Super Soul Session video presentation by Gabrielle Bernstein on the five steps to spiritual surrender. One of the steps resonated with me so deeply, I knew I had to blog about it. It’s about asking for signs and listening to those signs when they are given to us. The first part is easy. It’s the actual acceptance of the signs that we’re given that can be rough.
I have always been one to ask for signs. Whether in my prayers or when I’m at my father’s grave site, whenever I am faced with a decision, I ask for signs. I put everything out into the universe. I’ve never been the best at accepting the messages I was given though. Until recently.
I have spent the last few years of my life in a relationship that I lost myself in. And I wasn’t lost in the good way. I was lost in the way that I didn’t even know who I was anymore. I had become the person that he wanted me to be, or at least what I thought he had wanted. My world revolved around him. Everything was built around his happiness. I stopped wearing my hippie skirts and baseball caps. I started listening to music that I really couldn’t stand. I stopped listening to my favorite artists. I bought all of his favorite foods at the store. I went everywhere he wanted to go. This was not compromise. This was completely being someone that I was not, to please him.
I found myself walking on egg shells. I couldn’t stand the thought of disappointing him ever. If he was happy, I was happy. Only I wasn’t. Deep down, I was still in there, screaming out to be rescued. I wrote him letters about how I was feeling and we had several conversations about it. But nothing changed. It got to the point where I started having frequent panic attacks. People would ask what was wrong. Why was I having so much anxiety? Let me tell you, it’s really hard being someone that you’re not and hiding the person that you really are. Eventually, that person, the real YOU is going to need to come up for air.
So, I went to my dad’s grave and had a talk with him. It was actually more of a sobbing session. It was the anniversary of his death so it was especially emotional. But I was also at this fork in the road. Could I go on like this? Can people change? Why should I want him to change when I’m so resentful over changing myself? That doesn’t seem fair!
I asked for a sign. “Dad, please give me a sign. Anything. Do something! Speak to my heart. I need to hear you dad. Please!”
And then a branch fell from a tree and hit me in the head.
I started to laugh. This was my sign. This was my dad saying “stop being an idiot”. And I knew it.
Four days later, I finally ripped off the band aid. I broke up with him. And it was not easy. I shed a lot of tears. But with those tears came hope. With those tears came an appreciation for the gift that the universe had just given me. The gift of being true to myself. It might just be the greatest gift of all. So while I’m still on the mend, and the break up is still so raw and painful, I see the light in the distance. For once, I listened to what the universe was telling me. I didn’t
deny it. I didn’t pretend that I knew better. I gave my worries over to something much bigger than me and my own little world. I listened closely. And what I heard was my own voice saying “I love you. I have missed you. And I am so happy to have you back.”