The wall.

“I am finally loved by someone who makes me feel free.” – Michelle Williams.

I get it. I finally get it! I read that line in a Vanity Fair article and I just kept reading it over and over because it sunk into me so deeply. “I am finally loved by someone who makes me feel free.” I honestly didn’t think that was even possible. I didn’t even think it was a thing! To feel free in a relationship? That’s like an oxymoron or something.

If you’ve ever been hurt, cheated on, lied to, abandoned or heart broken, you’re probably familiar with “the wall”. That wall is what protects us from feeling that pain ever again. We build this wall to keep the hurt out, but usually it just keeps people out. We push people away if they get too close or if we start to feel something for them. It’s the “I will hurt you before you get a chance to hurt me” defense technique that usually forces even the good relationships to crumble.

I’ve had mostly unhealthy relationships, but there have been a few that I completely sabotaged to spare myself future pain that may or may not happen. I tend to believe that everyone will eventually cheat, lie or break my heart. So, when things are going good, chances are I will royally screw it up. Having this mindset has caused most of my relationships to feel very heavy, even the ones that I didn’t have the chance to ruin. There was always drama or insecurity. And not always from me. I just didn’t know how to have a healthy relationship. I didn’t know what to look for, what to avoid or what to hold on to. Or maybe I did know, I was just being an idiot. Regardless, I feel like I was a prisoner in my love life. I would just keep repeating the same cycles. Find someone totally toxic and settle for a disastrous relationship or find a good guy, build a solid foundation and then find a way to DESTROY IT. I refused to allow someone to love me in a real way. I suppose I felt I wasn’t worthy of a good love. So, when I had it good, I would subconsciously complicate it. I believed that no one would love me unconditionally and most of the time, I was right. I gravitated towards dysfunctional doom.

A few months ago, I decided to ignore that wall for a while. It was kind of a test, to see what would happen if I let someone in. I wrestled with it, a lot. I was starting fights for no reason and living with terrible anxiety in anticipation of heart break. Only this time, he didn’t run. And he didn’t make me feel worse about myself. He knew I was scared and that I was protecting myself. He understood it and reassured me that he was going nowhere. Day after day, little by little, I became more secure. I realized that I am capable of a healthy, loving and mature relationship. Drama became replaced with honest communication. I could feel what I was feeling without judgment or frustration. We simply talked through it. And we kept it real. And he would call me out on my bullshit. And I loved it! It humbled me to see that someone else could recognize my irrationality for what it truly was; fear.

And before I knew it, I wasn’t afraid anymore. I let him love me the way I deserve to be loved. I let him in. Not only did I let him past the wall, I blew that damn thing up! And it feels wonderful. I know what it feels like to be loved just as I am. I’ve realized that I must be willing to allow that. And now that I am, I’ve never felt better. I let love in and I’ve never felt more safe and secure and that is what I’ve been praying for, for so long. I’ve never been more myself. I have allowed someone to be trusted with my heart. Even my friends notice the change in me. They say they’ve never seen me so……ME!

I get it, Michelle Williams!

We are worthy of love like that. A relationship shouldn’t make you feel stuck. Yes, it will take some work, but it shouldn’t feel like prison. A relationship shouldn’t give you constant anxiety and panic. The right person will put your heart at ease. There will be a calmness in your soul. The right person will allow you to breathe in all the contentment you desire. The right person will show you that it’s ok to say what you’re truly thinking and to be your true self. And they will love you for who you really are. One more time for those in the back.  THEY WILL LOVE YOU FOR WHO YOU REALLY ARE! They will be your best friend.

In no way am I an expert in the love department. I have so much to learn. And so much to forgive myself for. But I’m excited about the future. And the one thing I’m sure of, is that the right relationship will set you free.