Every time I write about rape or assault, I wonder if it will be my last blog about such a deep, dark subject. I started my blog to inspire people, to give them hope and make them smile. The point of my blog is to help people and yet, I just keep going off on these depressing rants about what happened to me, what is going on in the world and just how horrible things are right now. Every time I write about sexual trauma, I stare at the “publish” button for far too long. I worry about all the people that will roll their eyes and think to themselves, “get over it already”. I worry about other victims that might be triggered by my words. I worry about people thinking that I’m just looking for sympathy. And I still worry about not being believed. I never thought I would have to worry about my friends or family not standing behind me and supporting me in this never-ending battle.
I blogged last week about the Kavanaugh/Ford case and how it was affecting me in ways I was not expecting. I really felt like I was losing it. I was falling apart. I didn’t realize that the worst was yet to come. It wasn’t with the news that Kavanaugh had been confirmed. I saw that coming and I had already lost faith in our system long ago. It was the response I was seeing from people that I love. I saw one meme, a picture of Dr. Ford with the caption “USED FORD FOR SALE”. I saw a meme that showed Dr. Ford’s attorney whispering in her ear, captioned “are you sure it wasn’t Bill Clinton?” I saw a meme of an elderly woman captioned “My ass was grabbed 97 years ago, and I waited until now to report it”. And then I noticed that friends and family of mine were “liking” these posts. How could this be? How could anyone think that this can be funny, in any way? Am I being mocked because I didn’t report my rape when I was 12 years old? No wait, you’re not mocking ME specifically, but you’re mocking everyone else this happened to who didn’t report? You’re mocking victims? Am I understanding this correctly?
OK, I see. You’re just mocking Dr. Ford. Because you have evidence that she’s lying right? She’s obviously being paid off by some democrat and wanted her entire world to be turned upside down, right? Yeah, she probably asked for this. That is the “go-to” excuse still, right? I mean, why WOULDN’T she make the whole thing up? It’s not like she had EVERYTHING to lose. It’s not like she’ll receive death threats or anything crazy like that, right? I’m sure her anonymity meant nothing to her anyways. I’m sure all her therapy appointments over the years were all pre-arranged just to bring Kavanaugh down. That seems logical. Oh hey, what the fuck planet are we on?
And no, we do not have proof that Kavanaugh is guilty. All we have are Dr. Ford’s words. That’s all that I had too. Both times. I can name about 20 people that I know personally, who were sexually assaulted and didn’t speak up. Or worse yet, they did, and they weren’t believed. So yes, I believe Dr. Ford. And I will believe every single person that comes forward until it is proven otherwise. Because I’ve seen it far too many times. And for those who say, “you can look at any man’s past 30 or 40 years ago and find things they would be ashamed of”. Well no shit. But not all of us get nominated to serve on the Supreme Fucking Court. OR BECOME PRESIDENT!!!! And I’m certain not every man has attempted to rape someone.
And no, she hasn’t mistaken Kavanaugh for someone else. Trust me, that doesn’t happen. We don’t forget who did this to us. We might not know the exact date, but we will never forget who it was and how we felt. Occasionally, the strangest memory from the rape comes back to me, like the last time I played Nintendo. But my protective little brain hid that part from me for years. Bottom line is, anyone who watched that testimony can see that she is being truthful. And if you couldn’t feel anything for her, YOU are part of the problem.
I have always said that I would never let politics come between me and my loved ones. But this isn’t even about Republican vs. Democrat anymore. To me, this is just about human decency! What happened to us? A woman stands up for herself, gets mocked mercilessly, is terrorized so much that she can’t return to her own home, loses the battle, then is mocked some more with disgusting memes and quotes posted all over the place, only to dig that knife in a little deeper into all of us who are already hurting. What is wrong with you? I don’t care if you’re on the left or the right. In fact, I used to be Republican. And a lot of my beliefs still fall in line with conservatives. But I am so disgusted in us. I will no longer associate myself as part of the red or blue party. I will vote for someone who is a decent human. Someone who is empathetic and has integrity. Someone who reaches down to those who have fallen only to help them back up, not to laugh at them.
So, friends and family that I’ve recently unfriended or blocked, I love you. But I refuse to worry any longer about hurting your feelings. You clearly don’t care about mine.