I need to drop some dead weight. Lately I feel like I am being weighed down by too many things that don’t serve me well. I think I’ve made too many lifestyle changes in the past few weeks and it has all caught up to me. I switched my birth control method which has left me hormonally challenged (aka, a raging lunatic). I quit my best friend Xanax which made me want to admit myself to the psych ward. I adopted a rescue puppy which makes me think having triplets would be easier. I’m physically exhausted. I have been going to several doctor appointments to try to get my body back to a happy and healthy place. And for the love of God, I cut my bangs. Midlife crisis much?
I have been crying a lot and I don’t even know why. I mean, besides everything I already mentioned. Yesterday I completely flipped out at work and then again at home. I lost control. I feel as if all the changes I have been making to create a happier, more peaceful life has backfired. My changes and choices are slapping me in the face and saying “stay comfortable, it’s easier. It’s called complacency. Look it up. Idiot.” But isn’t life all about change and stirring things up a bit? We are constantly growing and figuring ourselves out and becoming better or sometimes, worse. In the search for everything, in between catching my breath and wiping away tears, I know that none of this pressure that I put on myself even matters, because I am always under construction.
It seems like so many people are on the path to becoming unapologetically themselves, and I love it. I see it everyday in my friends who are making bold choices, starting businesses and altering their lives to find what really drives them. I see it in my church in the shy woman who is finally brave enough to raise up her hands in praise. I see it in my acquaintances in the form of a Facebook status or meme. We are all on the same mission. To reach that destination. To find that magic recipe that will quicken our pulse and give us a natural high just by living. But we never quite get there. We get close, but there’s always something missing. We can fill the void with temporary things like a crazy cute canine or a Hannah Montana haircut (thanks to my kid for that one). We forget that our destination will never be reached here on earth. So, in the meantime, we’re all going to be tossed around in a salad of happy moments, heartbreak, pain, laughter, mistakes and growth. And it’s all temporary. And it’s all for the best, even when that’s a hard pill to swallow. (I miss you Xanax but you were slowly killing me).
Every big life change means shedding some dead skin to reveal something beautiful. We need to drop some of whatever is weighing us down. Lately for me, it has been tears. I’ll take depression and anxiety with a side of hormonal imbalance for $500 Alex. But I know that I am okay, and this too shall pass, like everything always does. Maybe I’m just purging all that pain away in the form of salt water leaving my eyes. At other times it has meant loving someone from a distance because they were too toxic for me up close. I had to let go of certain friendships to make room for the ones which helped me and pushed me to grow. Not everyone is truly in your corner. I can love them and pray for them and know that they too are under construction. I’ve had to let go of anyone who has ever made me feel like I am hard to love. I know that I am worthy of unconditional love that doesn’t come at a price. I’ve let go of a lot of unhealthy habits, as hard as that was. I guess you could say the “withdrawal symptoms” are all very present.
But, I am reminded of how this phase of sadness, this moment of feeling as if I’m doing it all wrong will only be a glitch on the reel of my story, because of all the other painful moments I have grown from. When I feel like I just can’t take any more or I’m going to end up falling apart, I look back at some of my old journal entries when things were so much worse than they are now. I got through that. Not only did I get through it, but I came out stronger and braver. Not only did I come out stronger and braver, but I learned new coping mechanisms and so much more about myself. I hurt, I recovered, I grew, I healed, I doubted, I surrendered. And now I smile. I smile because every single moment has shaped me into a woman I never thought I could be. I smile because I got through it, all of it, baggage and all. And I thank God for giving me a fresh start every single day. For saying “hold on girl. The best is yet to come.” When I put so much pressure on myself and I end up feeling like a failure, a depressed mess, completely lost; I know that it is just a matter of time before I find my way back to me, once I find my way back to God. So ok, I’ll feel this sadness. I get it. Sometimes we just have to go through the storm to get to the sunlight. That storm is what will make that sunlight so much brighter. Behind the scenes, that storm is building me up so that I will be brave enough to drop that dead weight. I always end up appreciating that storm.
Every day the potter is molding me into the woman He has created me to be. I take refuge in that. Every day I am under construction.