Loneliness

Last night I couldn’t turn my mind off long enough to fall asleep. All kinds of random thoughts were coming and going, some good and some bad. Some were both, depending on how you look at it. I was feeling very lonely, which is a bit sad. Yet, I was content in knowing that this is exactly what I need. A sentence kept running through my mind, as if the words were being typed right inside my imagination. “Rejoice in your loneliness, for this is time best spent with God.” Sometimes these sentences form and I wonder if I have read them somewhere or maybe I’m a literary genius. The latter being doubtful, I googled the sentence, and it turns out there are many quotes similar and even books written about this exact thing. However, as I’ve grown closer to God, He seems to be giving me these sentences more frequently. Sentences that are mine, given to me by Him. 

I pondered that sentence for hours. How could I possibly be rejoiceful in my loneliness? I don’t handle loneliness well, I never have. But this time is different. This time, I’m crying out to God in my weak moments. I’m satisfying my boredom with bible studies and prayer, rather than the things that used to leave me feeling completely empty. I was so used to filling the void with such sinful things, which left me with nothing but shame. And now, I’m filling myself up with the word and the truth; (the things of light, which I like to call them). And I’m never left feeling broken or bruised, empty or ashamed. I feel so loved. I was told about this love, but never believed it would sustain me. I never listened to anyone who told me that I didn’t need a man, I needed Jesus. It seemed ridiculous. Now I know it to be real. My worth was always defined by men. Now I know that I am worth so much more. 

How do I know that I have worth? How do I know that I actually have immeasurable value? Without any more doubts? That’s easy. The blood of Jesus. He thought I was special enough to die for. In the most horrible pain and desperation, He was thinking of me. In agony, He cried out to His Father who loved Him so much. Yet, He knew His purpose here on earth. He knew why God sent Him to us and why Judas betrayed Him. He always had the answers and knew what was coming. He loved me more than anything else. He shed his blood for me so that I could be with Him someday, for eternity. He bore the torture and affliction because He knew that I would sin, a lot. And He wanted to insure my place in heaven. He wants my freedom. Up on the cross, He was thinking of me. I embraced all of this in my loneliness. 

My journey as a Christian has been a roller coaster. I’m on fire, once again, but now I pray more than I ever have. And I won’t stop. And when I pray, He answers. It is such an awesome gift that is available to everyone. Every single one of us, no questions asked. When I started praying, I grew frustrated because I felt as if He wasn’t listening. But the more I pray, the more clear it becomes that He hears every single word. I ask Him for answers and sometimes they come to me in a gut feeling, or else I read the answer the next day in my devotions. He always provides me with what I need, I just have to trust Him enough to ask. And I do now. The more I pray, the more I hear Him, and the more He fills my heart up with His unconditional, everlasting, overflowing love. I have learned that no obstacle is insurmountable with God. I kept asking and He kept answering and with all of my prayers, my faith blossomed. I was never too far gone. No one is. 

This is how I rejoice in my loneliness. I talk to God and I continually thank Him for He has performed miracles in my life that I cannot even fathom. When I long for human touch, I thank God for preparing my future husband for me. I ask Him to replace the temptations of this world with motivation to serve others righteously. I praise Him for all of His wonders. It’s hard to be sad when you’re filled with gratitude. I talk to Him about my dreams. I study His word. I pray that this fire inside me never burns out. I pray for forgiveness and I pray to forgive. I pray to be a source of light for anyone who feels dark. And then I pray some more. And I’m fulfilled. My heart just might burst with excitement and contentment. I truly do have all that I need. I have a special gift, available to anyone and everyone. And then I fall asleep peacefully, happily. After praising God for my loneliness.