When you don’t know why.

Driving home from work, I suddenly grew emotional over the question…”why?” It brought me back to when my dad passed away, almost 20 years ago and I found myself stuck on that one word. WHY? It didn’t make sense. Nothing made sense and everything was unfair. I think after a few years, I just sort of gave up on that question. I felt I would never get the answer anyhow. Now, on my drive home, I’m wondering how long this new “why?” will hold on. I hope it doesn’t take years just like the other times. It has been a few months. It has to be close to being just a sad memory by now. I don’t want to wonder anymore. I have been praying about it everyday. “Get out of my head! None of it matters anymore. Oh God, please just take this from me!” I know that I will never fully understand. So, I distract myself with some music. I’m on the verge of tears and I hear the familiar voice of Randi on K-LOVE speaking directly to me. “Always know, that man’s rejection is God’s protection.”

In an instant, my sadness and self-loathing turned into a genuine sense of comfort. It felt like Jesus wrapped his arms around me. I swear I could feel Him. I turned my radio down and prayed about what I had just heard and felt. I started to praise God for His protection over me. In my silent moments, the Holy Spirit was revealing to me that it doesn’t need to make sense. There were things happening behind closed doors that I was not aware of, but God was watching. There were things being said that I did not hear, but God was listening. I know that God wants the best for me and I know that He does all things for good. (Romans 8:28) It is so hard to grasp on to that when we are hurting. God does not leave anything unfinished and my entire life has shown me that if it isn’t good, it isn’t finished. Every time I thought I would just waste away into a pit of darkness, He grabbed my hand and pulled me back to light. Every time I had suffered loss, God had his arms wrapped around me and was whispering, “precious girl, drop what you are carrying. I will take it from here”.

It has been said that God answers prayers in one of three ways; Yes, No or Not Yet. I always assumed that “No” meant he was not answering me. He wasn’t listening. My prayers were wasted and pointless. As I grow closer to God, I know that He always answers. Always. And we can trust Him. He knows what He is doing. Always. That is faith. We hold on to faith in the unseen, because one day, our eyes will be opened. In this world, I now know that the times I thought God couldn’t hear me, He very much did. And He was telling me that He had something better in store for me. He was always there protecting me. He was showing me that even though I am hurting now, He is sparing me from the very thing that would keep me away from Him. And being far from Jesus is somewhere I never want to be again. He has me. Always! He is holding me, telling me to hold on. “There are better days ahead. Follow me and I will take you there. Every ounce of shame, unworthiness and regret, you can let go of. The guilt and the fear do not belong to you. They belong at the foot of the cross”. This is what He is saying to me. This is what He is saying to you. 

One day, we will have the answer to every question we have ever had. It will all make perfect sense and we will be so thankful that everything we went through was used for good. It will be clear that times we thought life was too much for us to handle, God was making a way for us. Creating a path of light that leads to eternity, by His side. What could be better? But here and now, we must hold onto the HOPE that Jesus gave us when his blood was shed for us. We must trust that there is a reason we don’t know why. Because God knows what He is doing. He knows what is best for us. 

There are still days when nothing makes sense and I’m overwhelmed with self-doubt and sadness. That is when I drop to my knees and ask God to open my eyes. I ask Him to reveal what He is teaching me, for with each heartbreak came a valuable lesson. Every hurt brought me closer to Him. I ask Him for a changed and renewed heart. I ask for a softer heart where I carry anger and bitterness. And I ask God to use me as a light, a vessel and a tool for His glory. Once we start to trust Him, we start to understand His grace and all the ways in which He absolutely wants us to prosper. He loves us more than we could ever imagine. He knows everything about us. We don’t need to question anymore and we don’t need to worry. God’s got this. He always has.