#metoo

The #metoo movement has taken over social media in the last few days. Seeing all of these updates and posts from my friends has been eye opening and challenging. It has also been confusing.
In the past few months, I have felt more brave talking about the tough subjects than I ever have. The powerful women that have been standing up for equality and calling out people who have wronged them, naming predators, I am so moved by it all. I feel inspired. I feel strong and like I am finding my voice. I have been sharing articles about sexual assault and commenting on public forums (something I never would have done 6 months ago). I have an opinion and I’ve been sharing it.
Every woman that comes forward makes me feel this sense of strength I’ve never felt. Things ARE changing. We ARE doing something about it.
Yet, I just couldn’t type the words “me too” in my status bar. I just couldn’t.
It makes me feel guilty that I am not sharing my story with others or that I’m hiding something and I’m just not as brave as I want to be.
Instead, I shared an article about how different it is when you are assaulted by someone you know. This article really hit home for me. It was spot on. So I shared it.
Obviously, I was putting it out there that it had happened to me by someone that I know, even though I didn’t type the words “me too”. I thought I would feel this sense of relief after putting it out there. Yesterday I must have typed “me too” at least 10 times before deleting it. So instead I shared the article. I thought it would make me feel like I was doing my part or that I was coming clean and I was strong.
But instead, I spent the day regretting putting it out there, wondering how many people saw it and rolled their eyes, knowing that my secret really wasn’t my secret anymore. It was someone I know.
I almost deleted the article, a few times. I kept going back and forth. Questioning myself. “Why did I put that out there?” “What am I trying to prove or accomplish?”
This afternoon I saw a post from the Joyful Heart Foundation. It said “for every survivor who writes #metoo, another chooses not to disclose. The decision to share your story is yours alone. We support you.” That was exactly what I needed.
I had been in conflict with myself since the movement started. It is an awesome thing that’s happening and maybe, just maybe it will make a difference.
But I am not ready to put it out there yet. And that is OK. It is MY story. If and when I decide to share my story, I will be ready and it will be for the right reasons. Not because I feel I have to.
I do want to be a part of this movement towards change and I want to do all I can to support every single woman I can. But for now, maybe that just means listening or talking with my closest friends or offering help to someone. We all have our own time table. We all heal differently.
So although I may not be ready to share those two words, I am definitely ready to heal.

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