Full circle

I remember all the times I felt like my life was over. Some more clearly than others, but there have been plenty of them and they’ve all played an equal part in who I am now and who I continue to become.
I remember feeling so sad at times, that I wanted to just disappear. In fact, I stopped eating. That’s how badly I wanted to disappear.
I remember wishing something terrible would happen to me, so that all the people that hurt me would feel bad about it.
I remember having no one. Not one person I could go to and trust and feel safe with.
I remember driving my car toward a tree only to swerve at the last minute because I thought of my boys.
I remember being pregnant with my boys and feeling them move for the first time. I remember holding them on my chest, nursing them, kissing their boo-boo’s and loving them so much it’s terrifying.
It all comes back to them.
The times I wanted to end it all, I learned to persevere because things will always get better.
The times I thought no one could keep me safe, I learned to take care of myself.
The times I wanted revenge on the people that hurt me, I learned forgiveness, because the anger only hurts me, no one else. I learned I had to let that go if I had any chance of being happy.
I found friends in strange places.
I found my purpose. Because I kept going.
So when I have a day when I feel like the worst possible thing is about to happen, I remind myself that the worst possible things have already happened and I survived.
I’ve created a safe place for my children. I am the strong, independent mother I always wanted to be, because of all the times that I wanted to just disappear. I didn’t disappear. And now I know there are a lot of people who are very happy about that; mostly my sons.
Most often, we don’t understand why bad things happen to us, but we usually figure it out.
Someone recently said to me, “thank you for having the bravery to report it. Hopefully it will keep it from happening again.” And it was another moment of finding the answer to the big “why” I would constantly ask myself.
It always comes full circle. We just have to hold on.


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