I crave contentment. I’m desperate for it. My whole life I have been searching for it. A lot can be said about being happy. I am happy. But I’m not content. I love life, but I do not feel safe. My heart does not feel safe. I live in fear every day. Fear of being hurt, fear of rejection, fear of conditional love, fear of never being enough.
It’s so easy to say, “you are enough. You are perfect just the way you are”. It’s so easy to see that goodness in everyone else. But it’s so hard to believe it about myself. It seems almost impossible. But deep down, I know that it’s possible. I know that I am capable of feeling the magic of contentment. But it will take a whole lot of bravery to get there.
Do I have what it takes? Someday, will my heart calm down? Will I be able to get through a week without panic? Will I wake up and feel comforted, knowing that everything is going to be okay? That’s all we really want, right? To know that we will be okay. Will I find all the peace that I preach about? I know it’s out there. I have to keep searching. I have to discover this hidden place where happiness and total freedom intersect.
I’m tired. I’m tired of hurt. I’m tired of giving so much of myself and being left empty. The secret to fullness is already within me. I just have to tap into it. I have to crack open and let all the light in. And maybe that means more than just breaking a little bit. Maybe that means shattering completely, so I can put myself back together the way I’m supposed to be.