Masks

Halloween this year was quite significant for me. Every year, I go all out. I spend a lot of time on my costumes. I take it very seriously, and a few years I have even won the top prize at the costume contests that are scattered throughout the bars in town. I love getting into character. The year I was Edward Scissorhands, I went the whole night without smiling. And I have the lunatic look down to a science. Another thing I do every year for Halloween is get completely hammered. I wake up the next day in half my makeup, sometimes on the bathroom floor, colored contacts still in my eyeballs and very little memory of what took place the night before.

This year was so much more important to me. Not because I felt like I had to out-do all my previous costumes or because I had a lot of parties to go to. It was important because I chose not to dress up. I went as myself. OK, so I threw on some Native American jewelry and my boyfriend wore his cowboy hat. But that is who we are! We went out for a nice meal with some friends and family, and we laughed a lot. Then instead of going out to the bar, like we had planned, we looked at each other and said, “let’s just go home”. And that’s what we did. We were home on the couch, in our comfiest pajamas before most of the parties had even gotten started.

I made a comment to him about feeling “so lame” this year and I laughed to myself. But what I didn’t mention, was that I am SO totally okay with feeling that way now. It feels great! It’s no longer a bad thing to me. I had no one to impress. I was in my happy place with a man that I love, feeling all warm and snuggly inside. And the best part is, when I woke up Sunday, I didn’t feel like I was near death! I felt awesome! Maybe next year we’ll go all out, but this year, I needed to be seen for the person I really am. I still love Halloween and always will. But this year, my heart was just in a different place.

A few people had commented to me that they couldn’t wait to see my costume. And it might sound silly that it’s such a big deal to me that I didn’t dress up this year. But to me, it really is a big deal. Security, love and togetherness is a big deal. Feeling free to be myself is a big deal. Not constantly worrying about letting people down is a big deal. Being comfortable with who I am is a big deal. So maybe it’s insignificant to most people, but for me, this was by far my best “costume” yet.