Most people know about my obsession with John Mayer. He has a song for every mood of mine, every heartbreak and every reason to smile. I’m sitting with my laptop, swaying back and forth to “Your Body is a Wonderland” and I daydream about someone feeling that way about me. “You look so good it hurts sometimes”. Damn, I bet that feels amazing. So I’m sad and sappy and really in a funk. Today was the worst of it. I’ve been single for a few weeks now and while I’m very happy to be out of an unhealthy situation, I still feel sorry for myself too much. All the self sabotaging I do makes me just angry. “Stop feeling sorry for yourself woman! If you’re sick of your own shit, change it!” I yell at myself. Seems easy enough.
Next up on my playlist; “Free Fallin”, “Gravity” and “Come back to bed”. Slow jams that make me a little sad but also give me hope. I’m preparing to come completely undone when “Split Screen Sadness” plays. “I can’t wait to figure out what’s wrong with me, so I can say this is the way that I used to be.” You said it, John. Then the lyrics, “I know it was me who called it over, but I still wish you’d have fought me til my dying day. Don’t let me get away”, I don’t stand a chance. Yes, I’ve ruined some great things and I know it was my fault but part of me just wants to know why I wasn’t worth fighting for. “Heartbreak Warfare” is my drunk, make me cry and dance around my kitchen song. “I don’t care if we don’t sleep at all tonight, let’s just fix this whole thing now. I swear to God we’re gonna get it right, if you lay your weapon down”. Why haven’t I just fixed what is broken, rather than giving up and walking away?
“So I check the weather wherever you are cuz I wanna know if you can see the stars tonight.” Will I mean that much to someone? Or will I just be second choice? It hurts when you feel like you are literally begging someone to just love the shit out of you. Desperately wanting to be number one. “Edge of Desire” plays now and I just fully surrender to my pathetic vulnerability again. “There I just said it, I’m scared you’ll forget about me.” And then the guitar solo as tears stream down my face. Crying is good. This is healthy. I was pretty bad ass for a while but then the haunting of past relationships/ failures catch up to me and I’m like, “damn, I suck”. It’s part of the process.
John wrote a song a few years back called “Never on the day you leave”. During an interview with Sirius XM, John started talking about the writing process of this song and what was going through his head and why it’s too painful for him to perform it live. He says, “There’s a line in there that is so brutal because it’s so true. ‘She’ll fight for you like hell and then force herself to like some other man.’ and that’s what women do. They show up 100%. There is a time they are there 100% for everything. And eventually someone says, NAH! And what she does to get over that person is SO transformative for good and bad, that you will never see that whole person again.” Wow, I heard that.
I guess I’m just tired. I know I should be happy alone and love myself first. I preach that all the time! I just need to have this bad day or maybe a few bad days. I need to feel exhausted from believing that I haven’t been and never will be the first choice. I know that’s pathetic but I really need to purge that belief so I’m gonna just go through it. It’s not the first time I’ve felt this low after a break up. But, at least I know I’m a professional at “Moving on and Getting Over”.
I remember once driving to Upper Michigan and singing “Bigger than my Body” at the top of my lungs. Windows were down, my hair was blowing all over the place and I was so free and so happy. I was also single. So I know it’s possible to feel all of those things at once. I think it used to be a lot easier to look at these moments as new beginnings of new adventures. After a while, those new beginnings get old. I’m tired of starting over. I’m just tired. So, I’m not going to end on a motivational quote or anything because I’m just not feeling it. But I’m sure I’ll loop back around soon. Here’s to better days ahead and John Mayer.