Depression, healing, Love, Relationships

To be that little girl again.

Do you remember what your life was like before you let society tell you what it should be like? Before you let anyone judge you for how you dress, or what you look like; the things you enjoy or the people you associate with? I often have these beautiful moments of memories that pop into my mind for no reason. I was probably eight years old and I was making a “movie” in my backyard. Of course there were no camcorders or any other “actors”. But I was making my dreams come to life. I was going to be a star. Cher was always my idol because she could sing and act and I thought I could do both fairly well too. My brother had a friend over and they were watching me out the window as I was being chased by an imaginary bad guy. I saw them watching me and I didn’t care. I didn’t know that I should care! Sure, they would make fun of me, but I had no reason to feel embarrassed. I was just being my weird self and I was happy! I would give anything to go back to that place, where I truly didn’t care about what anyone thought of me. 

Someone called me fat once. So I stopped eating and became so thin that people started calling me gross and ugly. I was told I could never fulfill my dream of acting. So I worked my ass off and made it happen, only to be called arrogant, selfish and a bad mother. It seems today, you aren’t supposed to be proud of yourself. I let my dream slip past me. I couldn’t handle the things being said about me. When it comes to relationships, I’ve come to the conclusion that literally every choice I make will be wrong. Why did I date “so and so”? Why do I stay? I must be weak and stupid. When I try to move on, in my never-ending search for love, I’m “that” girl who goes from guy to guy. I’m this and I’m that. Dude, stop. I, like everyone else, just want to be happy! But there will always be that voice whispering, “you’re doing it wrong”. 

Four decades of life and I still don’t have it all figured out. But I do know that putting more value on opinions, rather than what is best for you will definitely NOT bring you the happiness that you’re longing for. I know that no matter what, there will always be someone who judges you. You can donate to charity or find the cure for cancer and there will be those who question your intentions or tell you that it’s not enough. Your act of kindness will probably be met with someone telling you that you only want attention. Your motivation for becoming healthier and shedding a few pounds soon turns into being told you just think you’re better than everyone. 

It doesn’t stop. We just can’t win! So why are we trying so hard? When we live for the approval of everyone else, you’re following someone else’s dream. Not your own. There is no one more qualified to run your life, than you. 

Assuming we are all good people, I don’t think we set out to hurt other people. The reality is, that sometimes, we do hurt people, no matter what precautions are taken. We are not mind readers and when we constantly try to live our lives in ways that are pleasing to everyone else, we put ourselves on the backburner. If we analyze every move we make in order to avoid any type of conflict, we would never get anywhere. This is where I often feel stuck. Living your best life can be a slippery slope. It sometimes feels impossible to let go of the control others have over you. We need to just stop giving it away. We forget that we are responsible for ourselves. We neglect to put ourselves in charge. I find the expression, “you can’t please everyone” to be quite underrated. I’m not saying we should be careless, selfish or lacking empathy. But there is a balance to be found in your journey.

I’ve held myself back for so long; not wearing what I want to wear, staying in bad relationships so no one gets hurt, avoiding growth because it might make someone else uncomfortable. Life is about growth and trudging through the uncomfortable junk. I’m tired of wanting permission to be myself. Where is my sense of pride and accomplishment for doing anything, if I’m always seeking validation for my choices? We shouldn’t have to miss out on any big leaps of faith because someone once told us we shouldn’t, or we couldn’t. Our life decisions are ours to make. Our lives belong to us. I belong to me! When society says we shouldn’t behave a certain way, let’s proudly hold up a middle finger and say “why not?”. It’s time we stop sparing our own happiness for the approval of others. We will make mistakes, but those belong to us too. 

I miss that little girl that ran around inside her own weird little world, beaming with excitement for the future. She was bold and she didn’t care who tried to make her feel bad about herself. She was free and limitless. She was true to who she was because she simply didn’t know any other way to be. She was happy. She was naive. She laughed at herself, a lot. She didn’t know the world was going to try so hard to change her. Somewhere along the way, she forgot that no one else could ever create her happiness. No one else can live her life, walk her path and no one knows her journey. Sure, life has stepped in and knocked her down a few times but she’s still here. She just loses herself when the outside noise becomes too loud. She will always find her way back though. She’ll always be there, running around with bare feet, waiting for me to catch up with her. 

2 thoughts on “To be that little girl again.”

  1. Your post really spoke to me!! This story resonated with me in a way that is deeper than any other story I have read thus far on wordpress!! I was called weird by many, i didn’t have many friends, but that never bothered me until my brothers and parents tried forcing me to hang out with other little girls my age. Conforming is a bitch when you want to just commit to your own sense of self. Thank you so much for this post! It was extremely comforting!!

    Like

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