Today, like most mornings, I sipped my coffee while scrolling through social media, until I came across my “Facebook Memories”. Of course, I have to peek at them and spend a few moments reminiscing. Some days, these memories make me smile, and others, honestly, they sting a little. But even on days when there’s a tinge of sadness, I feel proud of how far I’ve come and often relieved that things didn’t go the way I had planned. It’s funny how things I once thought I could not live without now make me wonder if I ever had a clue about what was good for me. I’ll go as far as saying that I really, truly never had a clue. The comfort from friends with words like, “this is a blessing in disguise” and “this happened for a reason” fell on deaf ears so many times. Now, looking back, I realize I could have spared myself a lot of internal torment had I only believed them. We all think we know what’s best for us. I hate to say this, but we’re usually wrong. The heart can be deceitful.
Turns out, it’s the 7 year anniversary of purchasing my home. Buying my home was a huge deal to me because I never thought it would be possible for me and my boys. And they were quite sick of apartment living and sharing a bedroom. What hit me the hardest about this particular Facebook memory was the fact that, just weeks earlier, I had been praying for something completely different. Had I gotten what I wanted and what I had prayed for, there’s a chance I could still be living in an apartment with someone who was so wrong for me, or worse. And maybe I would have never moved into my beautiful home. All those years ago, I thought I was in love with a man who was rarely honest and never faithful. I was blind to all of it. We applied for an apartment together and were denied and I was crushed. My closest friends were very open in telling me that they knew it was for the best. But it only made me angrier to hear that. About 2 weeks later, I discovered some truths that ripped my heart out. Looking back, I know that my prayer was answered. The answer was “no”. I can’t really imagine what life would look like had my prayers been answered in favor of what I wanted. Thank God they weren’t and I am now a happy homeowner, free of a toxic relationship.
We chase after what feels good at the moment. We trust ourselves based on a feeling that could change so quickly and so easily. We convince ourselves it’s true love or meant to be. We think we have our feet on solid ground with a firm foundation to support us, when there is so much happening behind the scenes that we are oblivious to. We want what we want, and we want it now. We tell ourselves we are wise enough to know what is good. We trust that our way is the best way because we know who we are. Then we find ourselves heartbroken for a while. And then it passes and we realize we didn’t really want that “thing” so much after all. We reflect on how those moments of happiness were only moments. They were special, incredible, life changing moments. Moments to be grateful for, but still, only moments.
A thousand times I have prayed for things that never materialized. With every “no” or “not yet” came a new lesson. I have learned so much from the “no’s” and the “not yet’s”, but mostly, I have found that accepting those answers creates security and the peace I was craving. Letting go of my control leaves me wide open for all the love and fulfillment that is available to me. I know that I am not in control anyways, so giving that responsibility to the One who is, is a sense of freedom like I’ve never felt before. No more ego. No more pressure to be perfect so people will stay. No more anxiety over whether or not I am enough. No more devil whispering lies of unworthiness and hate. None of that has room here anymore.
I am now able to wait, because good things are on the way. I know this because of all the times I didn’t get what I wanted. Those times I hurt, sometimes for months, I was actually being protected and saved for something better. Every. Single. Time. Countless times, God has saved me from myself. He has a perfect plan for all of us. It took me years to trust Him, but WOW, what a relief! I can breathe easy, knowing I can let go and give it all to Him. Letting Him re-direct my steps, often slowly, has set me free and opened my heart to a new form of love. A love for myself and an appreciation for what I have been through. Even when I might not understand His “no” or “just wait”, I know that someday I will. He knows all, He sees all and sometimes He steps in for what really is our own good. There is such beauty in the faith of trusting that every little thing is going to be alright, even if we have to wait.