Power struggles.

Last night I ran into someone that I hadn’t seen in a while. I knew I would be running into him and I was hesitant because the last time I heard from him, he was bad mouthing me. It hurt back then, especially because I thought we were friends. But, I figured he would be pleasant, being an adult and all. Plus, I had never given him a reason to dislike me, as far as I know, so I figured my nerves were just getting the better of me. I walked up to the door and immediately wanted to turn around and walk away. I had this feeling I should just avoid him. But I convinced myself that people can change, he would be nice, and it would be fine. Again, I should have listened to my gut instinct because I went home feeling sick with disappointment. Not because he CLEARLY still doesn’t like me, but because I let him get to me. He was rude and arrogant, which is exactly how I remember him, but now he was just being a jerk. An obvious jerk. Like, not even trying to hide it. I kept on smiling and being nice though, like I usually do. But, let me tell you, there is a very fine line between feeling like I need to pray for someone and feeling like I need to knee someone in the groin.

Anyways, I got home and let the anger just quietly sit there for a bit. I thought back on how small and inferior he used to make me feel. How I always felt like I was being looked down on and not even close to being good enough to be in his presence. I was wondering why the hell people can’t just be good to each other. I was mad at myself. I knew better than to go in there. I know how sensitive I am. I shouldn’t even care about any of this. But, the feelings of inadequacy were starting to fester again. Dammit, I thought I conquered that! I vented to a friend and that made me feel a bit better. I prayed about it and wondered if I had ever made anyone feel like that. God, I hope not. But if I did, I never meant to and I’m completely unaware of it. So maybe he just doesn’t know that he’s being a condescending prick?

I woke up this morning and my anger was replaced with motivation. I had my little bitch session the night before. It was time to move on. I reminded myself that I’m a grown ass woman and no one was going to make me feel “not good enough” without my permission. And I won’t allow it. Not anymore. I have come too far. My reactions and my feelings are up to me and I refuse to give anyone else that power. Now I’m just going to work that much harder at my goals. There was a voice telling me, “now you go kick some ass girl and prove him wrong!” I’m feeling strong and sassy. I won’t beat myself up over my little meltdown. There is always a lesson. I do need to be better about listening to my gut and staying away from anyone that I think might disrupt my well-being. I am more determined than ever to be healthy and that starts with my mind. I’m not about to let some little egomaniac in there to mess with me.

So, I see you. I see how you like to pick on people because it gives you a sense of power. But what’s more important is that I see me. I see the sense of self assurance that is growing in me. I see myself laughing that I even gave you a second thought. I see a woman of God. I see control. I see a healthy mind, body and soul. I see so much inspiration now, I almost want to thank him. I have clarity. I sat with the discomfort and waited it out, prayed about it, and now I see it for what it was. A beautiful reminder that some people are just not going to like me, but I’m still going to be fine. I’m going to be better than fine. I’m going to remain kind and forgiving, because that’s where the real power is. That is the message I’m choosing to take from this. And, that I will turn your hate and judgment into my fuel. A fire has been lit.