4 seasons

I have been gone a while. It’s not that I haven’t had anything to say. I have written so many things over the past five years. I never stopped writing. I stopped sharing. My writings went from uplifting and inspiring, to worrisome and desperate. My journaling was filled with cries for help. I haven’t been in a space where I could freely share, both physically and mentally. And quite frankly, I have been confused. How could I share anything useful with anyone when I was so utterly lost myself?

There are a lot of dark details I may never share. Instead, I’m going to write about how I’ve been healing for the past twelve months. Because I’m not ready to “go there ” yet, and I’m not far enough along in my healing journey to reveal anything that I feel would be truly beneficial. If I do speak of it, I want it to come from a healed place of forgiveness and clarity, and right now, I’m still bitter. I am healing in my own way, and I have to admit, it’s probably not the healthiest way. OK, it definitely is not the healthiest way.

I haven’t quite figured out how to navigate through this loss, (a loss that in many ways, feels like a death), sober. I self-medicate. On bad days, I feel like I get too close to the pain and become desperate to numb it. I can’t make it go away fast enough. And then there are days I want to feel every ounce of the pain in the hopes that I can finally release it. Maybe if I cry my ugliest cry, I will purge this despair. It has been a roller coaster of emotions. Each day filled with a new set of blessings and curses.

I have become a self-proclaimed expert on cognitive dissonance, gaslighting, trauma bonding, love bombing, projection, future faking, baiting, devaluation, hypervigilance and flying monkeys, just to name a few. I have studied all of these things almost to the point of obsession. Because I was desperate for answers and nothing else made sense to me. There are still days where I have to just surrender and accept that this confusion is just part of my existence now. I never saw it ending the way that it did. He was going to be my life partner.

I hold space for gratitude more than ever. I think gratitude is what keeps me going. Once in a while, it feels forced but the end game is the same. I can breathe easy now and relax my shoulders. I’m no longer living life walking on eggshells. I come home to peace now. I no longer need to worry about what version of him I’m about to encounter. I thank God for this every day. It eases the loneliness I feel to remember all that I have to be grateful for. When I am missing him, I remember how twisted my guts would become by being in his presence. How fearful I had become. How my reality had been denied to me for so long that I absolutely questioned my sanity.

Healing looks like forgiving myself for allowing it for so long. It looks like growing confidence and finding my voice again. I am learning to trust myself. There is so much I wish I could go back and change about the last night we were together. But I know that ultimately, I chose to save myself. And as time passes, I’m realizing that the hardest decision of my life was also the bravest. As difficult as the past year has been, and as much as my heart aches still, I know that I did the right thing.

It’s difficult and confusing to love someone who could be so cruel. It doesn’t make sense. I know this. But there were good times too, and the good times were the best times I had ever experienced, and I am terrified that I will never feel that way again. When it was good, it was the best. But those times never lasted, and his mask was bound to fall off eventually. I wish I hadn’t ignored all of the early warning signs. I knew better. But I was madly in love. The goodness of the relationship outweighed the darkness for the first half of our time together. But the decent into irreversible damage could be felt long before “that night”. It was a slow spiral into madness.

I don’t know what the next twelve months will look like for me. I will continue to date and meet new people and I will keep praying that God sends me a man who knows how to love me well. I know that I will never tolerate cruelty and bullying again and I will run if I feel triggered. I won’t take any chances and I won’t settle for less than what I deserve this time. This healing journey has been filled with so many extreme highs and lows. But today, I am hopeful. A year ago, I was terrified. Today, I am empowered. Tomorrow I could very well be a disaster. But I will be gentle on myself. I deserve it.

Thanks for coming back to my blog after all of this time. I hope to continue blogging throughout my healing journey. God Bless!